Age of Empires 3: Slog Slog Slog. Also Pirates

I was kind of concerned about starting Age of Empire 3.  I picked it up on sale forever ago, but never actually installed it.  It's got some refreshing new mechanics, though, plus the introduction of hero units.  Hero units, incidentally, aren't all that useful.  As the screenshots (yay screenshots!) will attest, heroes spend an awful lot of time dead.

Also, its a slog-fest.  Hour-long introductory scenarios are not a good thing.

Scenario 1: Hold of Jannissaries and cannon until reinforcements arrive.

They have guns.  I have crossbows.  Shit

"Every moment I live... is agony."  Every hero says this, every time they die.   It's like a little mantra.

In any case, my valiantly dead Scottish knight Morgan Black holds off the Ottomans until his Swiss buddies show up.  Victory!

Insert REALLY BAD cutscene here.  Yes, Ensemble, you've moved to 3D models.  We get it!  This is not the generation for in-engine cutscenes, I promise.  Please stop.
Scenario 2:  Hunt Down and Destroy the Weapons Caches.  No, you can't TAKE the gunpowder and muskets.  That would be silly.

In other words:   Kill everyone and burn their homes.

No guns for you!

Burn and Pillage!  With Crossbows!  Oh look, Morgan's dead again...

Can you tell I'm angry about my technological weaknesses here?  All the other kiddies have guns!  I want one too!

In other news, some sneaky bastards ride around the back of my town and start throwing molotov cocktails.  How rude.

Sneaky Bastards

Wise and benevolent overlord that I am, I ring the town bell.  Once my settlers are gathered in the town hall, they start shooting at the sneaky bastards.

With guns.

waitaminit....

FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Back to the field of battle, I'm busy slaughtering everyone.

Look who's dead!

Caches destroyed, the Ottomans flee Malta and set sail for the new world.  I follow in hot pursuit, because a bunch of polygons shaped roughly like a humanoid tell me to.  Ok then.

Scenario 3:  PIRATES

Pirates led by one "Lizzie" ram me with fireships somewhere in the Caribbean and force me to make a temporary stop.  Ok, fine.  Build a sufficient force to get myself off this rock and through their blockade.  Apparently stealing their maps and charts is key.

First things first:  Get attacked by natives the moment I throw up a town hall.

Unhappy natives are unhappy

Then get attacked by PIRATES!

I still don't have guns. Except my settlers.  They get guns

A short time later, it becomes clear that naval superiority is key to staying alive.  Building as large a fleet as I can afford, I send them off dock-hunting.

Even the ships get guns! 

Turns out it doesn't go well.  The pirates have both infinite food and coin producing buildings, so they can buy any wood they need.  Pirates being the industrious types they are, they build ships faster than I can sink them.

My Swiss soldiers manage to get a beachhead, and put up another town center and a few military buildings (by the way, I'm really not fond of being unable to simply build new town centers.  Maybe I'll be able to train covered wagons later)

A sizeable force attacks the weakened pirate fort, and open battle ensues.

Hint:  I'm not red

It takes some chicanery to get to the final map.  A distraction draws the main horde away while Morgan and some cavalry sneak in.  Victory again!

Off to the new world.  Yay.  Can I have a few guns now?